Well crap (sort of), I fell for a swinger

Even for those of you that are still around (why would you be, it has been years) this may not ring any bells. Hell I even had to go back and re-read the original post just to make sure that it said what I thought it did. So in the efforts of full disclosure…

https://lostinnevada.wordpress.com/2011/10/10/im-falling-for-a-swinger/

As poorly written as that is (wow!) that is a true story.  Well…mostly true, because at the time, I had eluded to it, but denied it. I was falling Christy. Not sure if I truly understood it then, but looking back on it now…funny how that hindsight thing works. Funny how things work out as well…

A lot of fast-forwarding here, 4 years worth as it would seem, things have changed.  I no longer have a fellow wanderer (we’ll get there) and Bill is no longer around either. I was right when I posted that Christy and I were fast becoming friends. Over the last 4 years her and I have become close.  Really close. I can honestly say that she is my best friend.  There is nothing that I wont tell her or do for her and the same is true on her part.  We have helped each other in ways that words cannot describe.

There is a lot that I want, and and need to say about Christy, but that is a post for another time. She has just been on my mind tonight which is why I chose this topic for my (triumphant?) return to this blog. I have fallen in love her, and even though both her and I are very much still in the lifestyle, when she told me tonight that she was going to play… Well lets just say I was overcome with jealousy, and as I am sure that her and Dennis are naked right now, this is going to be a sleepless night.

So my friends, that is that. I fell in love with a swinger. Look for more to come as I am truly back, there are more stories to tell, those that have been written and those whose words have not yet come. I’m going to finish off this second bottle wine and get lost, again…

Long lost blogger

Over the last year or so I truly have been lost in Nevada. Good thing there is all this empty space, you can get lost for days, months, a lifetime; not only physically, but mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.  You name it and I have been there over the last 12 months.

Those stories are all to come, I promise you that.  For now though, just know I am back.  I am back with words that need to be written, pictures that need to be drawn, tales to be told, and wounds to heal.

Enjoy the new look and very soon, the first of many many ramblings…

Let it go?

What if I am standing frozen in the life I have chosen?

Could I just slam the door behind me?  Slam the door on everything that I know? Leave it all behind?

What if I could be so much more?  What if I could do so much more?

I really do want to let it go.  Let go of all the fears that have been holding me back.  Just let go of all the things that people want me to be.  Let go.

Knowing what I would leave behind.  Knowing that I would hurt people.  Knowing that I would finally admit to living a lie.  Knowing that I would hurt, but in the end be happy.  Be happy that I am finally free.

I could, but it would cost me everything.  It would cost me everything to become the person that I really am.

Let go and become myself. The real me.

Yes I know that this is cliche, but this spoke to me more than anything has in a very long time.  I don’t care what anyone thinks.  This means a lot to me.  If you don’t like, if you think its childish, if you think its stupid…Fuck you, fuck you.

Maybe I am starting to let go. The cold has never bothered me anyway.

I want to tell her…

FUCK!  Yep, FUCK!!!  I really want to tell her and I cant.  I almost did tonight and I played it off as a typo.  I have wanted to tell her for quite some time now, and every time I get close to doing so, something happens.  Something changes in both of our lives.  Some good.  Some bad.  Either way, FUCK!

This woman is amazing.  Simply amazing, she just doesn’t realize it.  There was someone in her life getting her close, almost there, and now that person is gone.  It wasn’t her fault that he left, but he did, and it left a huge hole in her.  She is having so much trouble filling that hole and realizing that she is the person that I know she is.

As I said, I have wanted to tell her.  I have wanted to help her.  I have wanted so many things.  The lifestyle that I lead gives me leeway for so many things, but because of my faults, and my fears I am not able to do so.  I was texting with her tonight.  I wanted to tell her.  I need to tell her.  I cant though.  I play the scenes in my head and they are always a tragedy.  In my head they are; in reality, I don’t know.

I see the way it plays out, it ends badly, but that is that the way I expect it to?  I know it will.  But will it?  I am scared to see if I wrong.  If I’m wrong I am wasting an opportunity, I am throwing away what I want and need.  If the I feel is right, I destroy what we have.  I am scared.  So very scared, and that fear, it keeps me from what I want.

So I will say it here, I doubt it will help, but the world will see it.  Everyone but her will know…

Kelsey, I want you.  I want all of you.  I have since the very first moment that I saw you.  I want to feel your skin.  I want to smell you.  I want you under me, on me, all over me.  I want your clit on my tongue.  I want to make you cum.  I want hear you.  The sound you make, the way you breathe, I want to be in you.  I want to look into your face when you feel me.  I want to look into your eyes and see the pleasure that you, that both of us need.  I want you to see me when I cant handle anymore and I come into you.  I want to collapse in your embrace and hold you when we are done.  I want all of this and more, so much more.  I want all of you.  Everything.

My dear, my wonderful, beautiful Kelsey.  You may never see this.  I will never, I cant ever tell you.  Even though, now the world knows.  I wish you did.

And there it is; what I want to her, but cant.

Simply too much…

There is so much that I want to write down right now.  Way too much.

I have tried this moonlit night to do so, and every time I try it doesn’t come out right.

It is all jumbled.  I continuous string of raw emotion.

It doesn’t make sense to me, how could it make sense to you.

Life. Death. Fear. Anger. Sex. Intimacy. Hate. Friendship. Inadequacy. Failure. Love.

Just too much.  I wanted to write it all down so that I may sleep, so that I it wont be in my head.  I tried, but there is just too much.

I hope I can do it soon.